Spring 2010 News and Notes
Welcome to another season (No. 15?) of Pocket Rockets football… Let’s begin with an updated roster.
Two big losses for us this season — Fredo (retirement) and Mike (injury). We hope to see them at a game this season, or at D-man’s this summer, or at The Drop on Wednesday nights.
So with two new openings, I introduce:
- Brian…. former quarterback for our nemesis, The Peeps, Bri is fast, has a strong arm and is something of a ladies’ man… so think of him as the anti-Vegas.
- Larry Junior… a BSSC football rookie (baskeball is his game), LJ will bring some height to the lineup. Soft hands and good hops will make him a nice target for two-point conversions, which we never seem to convert very well.
And the rest… (ladies first):
- Steph… she might not win the Lady Byng, but she played better QB than I did in the preseason scrimmage. Perhaps power yoga is the answer?
- Mere… we’re sharing Mere this season with the Boston Militia… She had two tackles in her debut on April 10. No tackling in BSSC, so we’ll settle for touchdowns.
- Jackie… JB has won PR Postseason Awards two years in a row. This year I think she’s going for best girl-on-girl, or best club hookup story.
- Jos… possibly our best offensive player, when she actually shows up. She paid first, though, so she earns the start on Sunday.
- Dman… The only question we have for him: When does the pool open?
- Hue… I’m expecting big things on defense from our token Asian.
- Uncle Ron… outrunning incredulous defensive backs since 2003… soon to be Daddy Ron.
- Vegas… my shoulder hurts, my elbow hurts and I’ve put most of my pre-Vegas-weight back on. You know what that means… this is the year!
4/18/10… Special Day for Pocket Rockets
Mere turned 30 on 4/18… Happy Birthday and welcome to the club! Among the PR celebratory happenings…. scrimmage in the rain at Smith Field (Brian pussied out of that, so he’ll start on the bench)… a few games of knockout…. keg and eggs at Mere/Jeff’s place… and Sunday night at Lucky’s. That was an oddly fun night for a few reasons. First, Brian was there… uninvited, but it was good to see him anyway.
Second, I was walking out of the bar to take a very important call, and a blonde stopped me and asked if I played BSSC football.
“Yes.”
“Which team?”
“Pocket Rockets.”
“Oooooh…. POCKET ROCKETS!!! We fight with you guys.”
Then it hit me… it was the ‘Blonde Bitch’…. the one who fought with Danny, was called a “disgrace” by Mere and got into a dustup with Steph (well, in BB’s defense, who doesn’t?) that ended our fall season opener getting called by the ref. How random!
Anyway, her name is Melanie and we chatted a bit. She confirmed Danny’s story that they played softball together shortly after the first incident and they got along well. After my meeting with her, I’m hopeful that we’ve reached rapprochement. I would have talked to her a bit more (funny how much better women look when they aren’t bitchy) but I HAD TO leave the bar. When I got outside I got the message from my brother-in-law. “What’s up Uncle Jon?” My neice, Jillian (named three days later) was born 6 weeks early… 5-pounds, 10 ounces. That’s her with daddy below. I’m going home to visit over Memorial Day weekend, so I won’t miss any football. Quite a day.
The newest honorary Pocket Rocket, Jillian.
I’m with Stan
Stan Marsh, my hero. I’m making him an honorary PR. Click the pic to watch the video. You can also watch the entire episode online in case you missed it Wednesday night.
Stan, Kenny, Kyle and Eric... Facebooking.
Nada Surf… official band of the PRs
From the set opener “Weightless” to encore closer, Sonny Curtis’s “I fought the law” (Bobby Fuller version… or The Clash, take your pick)… Nada Surf went all out at the Paradise Saturday night, plowing through a 2-hour set. Below you can watch the first encore “Always Love”. Were it not for the tall blonde at the very left of the video (30-35 seconds in), you’d be able to see Jackie and me bobbing up at and down. Rock on!
PR Dinner Recap
The Third Annual Pocket Rockets Football Banquet and Awards Ceremony (TAPRFBAC for short) was a remarkable success. We had a showing of 12 strong… plus the debut of Dman and Elly’s expanded roster (so tiny). We started, naturally, with drinks… some margaritas, beers and pitchers of sangria. Then came the table-made guacamole. Then the interminable wait for food. In the meantime we learned, among other things, that… Uncle Ron wants to study vibration so he can design his own line of vibrator, Hue and Danielle had a great time on their cruise to Belize, Fredo gets more mysterious with each passing day and Cameron and Olivia don’t make a peep after 7:30 (at least tonight).
Then came the yummy food, which ranged from ‘pretty good’ to ‘pretty small’. Sorry about making y’all wait until everyone was served. I know, my rice was cold, too. But thanks for waiting, anyway.
For dessert, how could one go wrong with a Fried Cheesecake Burrito?
When the bill came, you could tell the vets from the newbs. The TAPRFBAC is not a cheap date. Neither will the FAPRFBAC so visit an ATM first.
For those who weren’t there, a recap of the winners:
Best Blonde on Blonde: Steph v. Purple Bitch
Most Improved Pocket Rocket: Dman (Wii controller candy dispenser)
Defensive Play of the Year: Jackie
Offensive Play/Deadbeat of the Year: Jos (Tom Brady earrings)
Most Valuable Partier: Dman (Red Sox keychain/bottle opener)
Steph and Jackie will have to collect their prizes… er, but I left the bag o’goodies behind at the restaurant. Maybe I’ll run over there tomorrow before the Y hoops showdown Wednesday night. Some of us will be there to support Dman in his first appearance in the Y hoops championship… and then after-party at the Drop.
After dinner, the ‘original’ PRs (we’re hardcore) went to Bukowski’s for tasty beverages and girly chat about wedding drama, guest lists, diamonds, ceremonies and all of that baloney. Another round, please.
Vote for the 2009 PR Postseason Awards
I know that most, if not all of you, will not vote in Tuesday’s primary (we’re electing a senator, people). So at least cast your vote in the 2009 Pocket Rocket Awards. These awards only cover the fall season, because that is the ‘real’ season. Vote once. Winners will be announced at the dinner/award ceremony on Monday, Dec. 14 at Ole Grill in Cambridge (7 p.m.).
Playing catch up
This really deserved its own post, but I’ve noticed that at 35 I’ve become incredibly lazy(ier)… and noticeably balder. Holy shit. By April, Fredo and I will be twins (if I can squeeze into a 32-waist). I should take a picture of my head every week and then do a time-lapse slideshow and post it here. Fun!
Anyway, a moment to reflect on the passing of Ken Ober, former host of MTV’s ‘Remote Control‘ game show. Here’s what George Harrison Invitational ‘commissioner’ and my pal Chris wrote:
Ken Ober, host of the greatest game show ever (Ed. Note – my emphasis), has fallen back through the breakaway brick wall in the sky at the age of 52. Ober hosted the television and pop culture trivia-based Remote Control, one of the first non-musical entries ever on MTV, where he set the archetype as the irreverent game show host, openly mocking the three barcalounger-buckled contestants for particularly stupid answers on a stage set to resemble a cluttered basement, complete with a life-sized Bob Eubanks Pez dispenser. Question categories included Dead or Canadian, The Bon Jovi Network, Brady Physics (or Metaphysics) and Inside Tina Yothers, and skits like Beat the Bishop, where contestants had to complete a math problem before a man dressed as a bishop completed a lap around the studio. His later career was far less interesting, hosting a talk show with Susan Olsen (Cindy Brady) and serving as producer on such series as Mind of Mencia, the Greg Giraldo Show and The New Adventures of Old Christine.
Of course, Chris left out the comic stylings of Colin Quinn (who smoked cigarettes on set), Adam Sandler and Denis Leary on the show. And the ladies.
Erstwhile Remote Control babes Marisol Massey and Kari Wuhrer.
Here’s a classic episode featuring LL Cool J, Julie Brown (not Downtown) and Weird Al:
And, for some off-color humor… one of the Greatest Jokes Ever Told from Season 7, Episode 9 of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
And finally, an offensive clinic by the Saints on Monday night. Hope y’all had a chance to watch that whoopin’. Great scheming by N’awlins… formation, combo-routes, blitz-pickups and crazy throwing by Mr. Brees. Phew.
And, for the sake of being ‘fair and balanced’… the Steelers blew it Sunday night. Here’s the fateful play. Notice the linebacker getting deep in the passing lane off the edge to make the interception. Great scheme and anticipation. This is essentially the same play Mean Machine was beating us with early… and to an extent Murph’s team… the quick post/slant. Gotta be ready for it next season.
Postseason News and Notes
In the process of planning the Pocket Rockets Postseason Awards and Banquet. Look for a poll here soon to vote for your favorite plays/players. In the meantime, we have to pick a date. I’ve floated a few for next month during the week. See the Doodle schedule and make your choice(s). You may select more than one… the date with the most votes wins. If we don’t have a critical mass we’ll wait ’til after the New Year. Last year we went to Abe & Louie’s. The year before was Capital Grille. This year… who knows? Maybe this place.
Now some fun stuff
Here’s a clip of a scene from The Simpsons that I was re-enacting at the Drop on Wednesday… and I was perfectly sober when I did it. Pretty close.
OK, I swear this isn’t a soccer blog, but half the bartenders in Brighton are upset about this:
Offsides plus handball = French Victory! Meh.
And Elizabeth Lambert wants you to know she’s not evil nor is she a sexually frustrated lesbian. It just gets rough out there sometimes.
And Bill Simmons wants you to know that, despite what Deion Sanders says, the Bill Belichik’s go-for-it moment last Sunday was the second-dumbest move in Boston’s sports history.
Here’s my favorite clip of Kansas head football coach Mark Mangino, who’s on the hot seat because of his hot-headedness. I bet No. 9 has a pretty good idea what coach had for lunch.
Kristen Stewart tries out for the Pocket Rockets on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Not much of an arm, but not bad for a pixie in heels.
Live Strong. Nice touch.
Worst. Season. Ever.
The numbers don’t lie: 2 wins, 5 losses. The worst season in Pocket Rockets history. So I guess we accomplished something.
Behind those numbers are countless mistakes (drops, imprecise routes, terrible throws, poor coverage, miscommunication, bad angle pursuit, yadda, yadda), some unlucky bounces and inconsistent officiating. That said, we were one play away from the No. 4 seed in the Gold playoffs… and this was the toughest league in recent memory if not ever since we began playing six years ago. Keep in mind, Hey That’s Not My Flag, the team that beat us last week, was the champion of this league one year ago (another game I think we should have won, sigh).
I don’t like rehashing losses, but this one was pretty cut-and-dried: The opposing QB outplayed me. He ran well, threw well and called the right plays. I didn’t run, threw OK and didn’t call enough of the right plays. I give them credit for being a smarter team… They stopped us twice in the first half. We adjusted, but it was too late. We dug too big a hole in the first half.
Looking at the big picture, we need to do two things if we’re going to contend for a D-I title (no, were not moving down… I’ll retire first):
- play smarter
- get in shape
To the first point: Mean Machine is a consistent winner not because it has the best athletes, but it does play smart. It commits few turnovers and the QB knows how to exploit a defense. I’m impressed that they are all on the same page most of the time. The only way we’re going to get there is to talk football. Ask questions during the game… after the game… at The Drop after basketball. Watch games together. We’ve had relatively the same team for a few years now so there’s no excuse. We should be thinking with one mind. There should be no mystery to how or why we’re doing something. If there’s confusion, we’ve got a problem.
To the second point: We need to be 100%. In a good league, the margin for error is slim. If we’re out of breath for one play or get dinged and can’t run at full speed for one play… we’re doomed. Our competition is too good.
To both of these points: What are YOU prepared to do? Are you willing to do it The Chicago Way? Because I am.
Postseason Banquet and Awards
We WILL have a postseason team banquet, although I considered not doing it because we were so lousy. But we’ve done it two years in a row now and they’ve both been a hoot, so let’s do it and try to generate some good karma for spring. I don’t know when it will be yet, but it will be AFTER Dec. 8.
As for the awards, I’ll be posting them here the week before the banquet. Don’t forget to vote!
Soccer: Bitchiest sport in the world
As promised, here’s what I can only assume is typical soccer behavior. No wonder Hue likes it so much.
Rhode Island high school girls’ soccer… plus some authentic hooliganism in the stands.
Here are some ‘men’ proving that bitchiness is not only restricted to blonde females.
Heaven help the world if I ever reproduce, but I do not look forward to moments like this. I assume the guy congratulating the goalie is the opposing coach.
PRs make playoff push this weekend
Tap, tap, tap… is this thing on? OK, I admit that I’ve been a slacker as far as posting to the blog. Maybe this exercise will give us a little playoff momentum… every little bit helps.
Last week the Pocket Rockets improved to 2-3 (yipes) with an impressive 40-34 victory over John Harvard’s Brew House. We started slow, allowing a touchdown on the first possession of the game. I didn’t help matters with two dogshit throws to start the game. But Uncle Ron bailed us out with a nice grab and from there we couldn’t be stopped. Mere for a TD. Mere for the extra-point. Game tied 7-7.
Stepha then turned in a red zone interception and we were off again. I think I called an audible and scored on a 5-yard run. The conversion (to Mike?) made it 14-7. On the subsequent possession we snatched another red-zone interception (me, this time). After returning it to midfield, I think I hit Steph on crosses. She took it to one-foot line. We scored again two plays later. 20-7. (I might have those two TDs backwards.) John Harvard’s scored at the end of the half as time ran out. We led 20-14 at the half.
The shootout continued. We scored every which way… deep tosses to high-steppin’ Uncle Ron and Daddy-Dman. I pulled an Uncle Ron when I ran across the 20, thinking it was the goal line. Cue Mere from the sideline: “Know where you are on the field, Jon!” Indeed. We scored there, too. Dman in the corner? Can’t remember.
With a few minutes to go we had a little fracas with our opponent, which I generally considered a likable bunch. Can’t say I know how it started or who started it… but does anyone who wasn’t there wanna guess which PR was in the middle of it? 
After some huffing and puffing we settled down, up 6 and marched the length of the field to run out the clock.
Game ball goes to Jackie. I know I didn’t mention her above, but she had several key catches (and no drops) that helped us keep on keepin’ on down the field. Great game by everyone, really.
| Team | Wins | Losses | Ties | Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Cougar’s Pride | 5 | 0 | 0 | 15 |
| Mean Machine | 4 | 1 | 0 | 12 |
| Hip Hop… | 3 | 2 | 0 | 9 |
| Stonehands | 3 | 2 | 0 | 9 |
| Pocket Rockets | 2 | 3 | 0 | 6 |
| Hey That’s Not… | 1 | 3 | 0 | 3 |
| John Harvard’s… | 1 | 3 | 0 | 3 |
| Beer Factor | 1 | 3 | 0 | 3 |
| No Defense | 1 | 4 | 0 | 3 |
Playoff Scenarios
OK, this gave me a major headache… and I didn’t factor every conceivable outcome into this… but these two are the most likely scenarios that lead to a PR appearance in the gold playoffs:
Scenario 1: We beat Mean Machine. Hip Hop beats Beer Factor. Cougar’s Pride beats Stonehands. Hey That’s Not My Flag beats John Harvard’s AND Beer Factor. This would leave Cougar’s Pride as the No. 1 seed. Mean Machine at No. 2. Hip Hop at No. 3 and a 3-way tie for third. PRs, Stonehands and Hey That’s Not My Flag. The tiebreaker in this case is record vs. common opponents. Our common opponents are Hip Hop, Cougar’s Pride and Mean Machine. We’re 2-1 in that tiebreaker. The others are 0-3. PRs advance.
Scenario 2: We beat Mean Machine. Beer Factor beats Hip Hop AND Hey That’s Not My Flag. Then we have another 3-way tie for 4th. Could be a 4-way tie if Stonehands loses to Cougar’s Pride. In a 4-way tie, with no common opponents for all four teams, we’d go to strength of schedule. Because we played both Cougar’s Pride AND Mean Machine (a combined 10-2 in this scenario), AND two teams advance in this scenario, we’d be in good shape. In a 3-way tie with Hip Hop and Beer Factor (for one spot), it comes down to record vs. common opponents: Stonehands and John Harvard’s. We’re 1-1, Beer Factor is 0-2 and Hip Hop is 2-0. Hip Hop would advance.
Scenario 3: We beat Mean Machine. Cougar’s Pride beats Stonehands. John Harvard’s beats No Defense AND Hey That’s Not My Flag. This 3-way tie goes to common opponents: Hip Hop and No Defense. All teams are 1-1 here, so we go to strength of schedule. We might win this because we played Mean Machine and Stonehands didn’t. Will be a close call.
Phew. So that’s it. None of this means anything unless we win!
Time runs out on PRs
The ball left the aging quarterback’s hand like too many that afternoon. With :02 left, some 20 yards and six waiting defenders separating the Pocket Rockets from their first ever Gold championship, Jonny Vegas took a deep drop and cocked his arm in position to throw THE pass. You know the one. The pass he tossed to himself over and over again in his backyard as a nearly friendless youth in the sticks. The pass that won the Pennsylvania high school championship, Sugar Bowl, Super Bowl or whatever championship inspired him that day. The pass that always fell into the receiver’s arms for the winning score — even when it didn’t (because the defense committed a penalty, not because he dropped it or the pass was dogshit). At Belmont Hill School, in the BSSC Division I(II) championship game vs. Mean Machine on Sunday, THE pass left his hand with enough velocity to carry 40 yards or more. But this time the ball overshot the target by feet, not inches. No flag on the play. Game over. Mean Machine survived and celebrated the championship. The Pocket Rockets did not survive three interceptions and one incomplete, dogshit pass.
The afternoon began auspiciously, if several minutes late, for the Pocket Rockets. Facing the No. 2 seed UPS in the semifinal, the PRs opened with a big play on their second snap. Uncle Ron ran a crisp in-cut. Vegas whistled a dart over the middle. Ronnie weaved in, out and around the defense (two of whom were born as seemingly gifted runners) for the first score of the game. After holding UPS down near the goal-line, the Uncle Ron struck again on a deep post. Just like that the PRs led, 14-0. UPS climbed to 14-6 and forced the PRs into 4th-and-short near midfield… but Stepha’s pass to Vegas on the slant-and-go put the PRs up 20-6. A late drive by UPS cut the deficit to 7.
The second half featured even more Ron (perhaps because he knew his time was waning) with an interception on the opening drive. But the PRs couldn’t capitalize and turned the ball over on downs near midfield. UPS scored soon after, forcing the PRs back to work. On a critical third-down-and-long play, Ron ran the out-cut… not as crisp this time… and the throw came out low. He dove, but the ball eluded him. However, the ref… and apparently Ron’s defender… thought otherwise. That call brought fourth-and-inches. Vegas faked to Jos on the end-around and jogged into the endzone. UPS scored again as one of their speed demons posterized Vegas on the deep post (I still can’t believe he caught that). With time ticking down to under a minute, the PRs faced fourth-down-and-3 near midfield. Vegas called for a double-slant for the girls on the left with a run/pass option. UPS sniffed out the run and forced a throw… Mere cut her route back to the sideline and snared the 15-yard lob to seal the PRs first-ever Gold semifinal victory. Game ball to Uncle Ron. Meanwhile Mean Machine, which started the season 0-2 was driving in the final seconds against No. 1 seed Cougar’s Pride. Inexplicably, CP was playing man-to-man with just seconds left. MM ran a deep post… the ball arrived on time and in stride. Touchdown. Mean Machine and the Pocket Rockets would meet for the title… having only played once before, in the Fall 2007 semis.
Ron picked up where he left off in the semis and scored on the game’s third play on a deep-middle route. After a defensive stand, the PRs looked like they were in business but MM forced a fourth-and-long from the PR 5. Even though the PRs practiced punting earlier in the day, and had two able legs at the ready, they decided to go for it. Vegas chucked the ball deep into triple coverage… somehow Ron outjumped everyone and came up with the catch. Just 10 yards from the end zone, it looked like the PRs would put this one to bed early… but Vegas tried to thread the needle to Freddie over the middle on second down. The defender jumped the route. Drive over. MM scored on the subsequent drive on a deep ball. Just like that it was a new ballgame. The PRs tried to get it right back on a deep ball to Stepha, but Vegas didn’t catch the defender playing centerfield… he was hard not to spot considering he had just snagged one interception and was wearing a red hat… Anyway, he stepped in front for INT No. 2. MM scored to take a 14-8 lead… on a gender play to Vegas’s side of the end zone (I didn’t think she could throw it that far). After the next PR drive stalled near the goal line, MM was back in business and drove to the PR 5. Perhaps getting a little too cute, MM took a knee rather than run the ball into the end zone. Bad move. They spent the better part of the next two minutes (five downs worth) trying to score and run out the clock. They succeeded in running out the clock, but an incredible defensive effort kept the score at 14-8 at the half. I can’t remember who was out there for that… but it was the best defense we’ve probably ever played.
With new hope, the PRs took the field confidently in the second half… only to have Vegas relinquish it with another bad deep throw… this time intended for Jos… and also intercepted by a centerfielder. MM would drive and score, taking a 2 TD lead, 21-8. The PRs advanced to mid-field, with Freddie catching a tough, sliding 4th-down catch. The next play, Stepha hit Vegas on a deep post for a TD. Back in the game… MM picked away at the PR defense and moved within a few yards of the game-icing score, but Stepha stepped in front of a low pass and saved the PRs for the moment. Subbing gals for guys — namely Mike and Freddie who were busting their asses on defense — the 3-and-3 Equal Opportunity Offense began its long march… which ended with Vegas running it in from three yards for a 22-21 PR lead with 3:30 remaining!! Mixing man and zone defense, the PRs slowed the MM offense… but couldn’t hold on a 4th-and-10 with roughly 1:00 left. Now we’re into Mike Holmgren territory… do we let them score? Hmm… maybe. But having played such great defense to close the fist half the PRs stood firm. But not firm enough. MM scored on a short cross with just 25 seconds left. Enough time to make it interesting at the end, but not enough for a championship.
One step closer, but one step short.
OK, that was a lot of writing. I suppose it was therapeutic. Who knows? If the Pens lose tonight, I may need to consider therapy. Here’s some linky nonsense.
We need more of this tonight, boys (notice the fan wearing the ref uniform when Kennedy jumps into the glass… classic):
Also tonight, the Lakers face the Magic in the NBA finals… zzzzz… NHL > NBA. Anyway, in case you were interested in how the Lakers got their name:
Question: Is this guy a BSSC ref, too?
Know the expression that you don’t want to know how sausage is made? I wonder if this is why?
